Sacred Spaces logo in a cream color on brownSacred Spaces: around us, between us, within us

Sacred Spaces—Within Us

When I tell the story of how I came to be a mother, to have a child, I often say that the path was riddled with about four personal transformations (“a change in character or condition” as defined by Merriam-Webster). A very long four years spanned between our first pregnancy (which was lost) and the conception and then birth of our daughter, Cassandra. Although no fertility problems were diagnosed, our ages eventually led us to begin fertility treatments. This resulted in five inseminations that failed to take and in beginning to face a future without children.

Throughout these years my prayers for guidance were answered, but not in the way that I expected. For what was in front of me were various situations where I was being called to make major changes, internally and externally, mostly in breaking what I call our Toxic Shame Cycles (click link for more).

For me this included letting go of my attachment to being liked, appreciated and admired for three primary reasons- being fun and uplifting, being understanding and helpful, and being physically attractive. To be the “favored child” in these ways is only possible when we repress a lot (like anger) and when we are constantly diligent, and is a detriment to those that are not favored and feel they can’t compete. Releasing these were as terrifying for me as losing a limb. In fact, I felt as if my very identity and spirit were being lost—until I realized that I didn't need any of these (especially at the consistently high level that I had pressured myself to sustain) in order to be worthy, to be loved, to be secure. The “space within me” began to literally change in form and color- freeing and maturing and rising to a higher level than I had ever imagined.

The next call to transformation I discovered with the help of a good friend that had “misunderstood” me to say that there was “no room in my womb” for a baby, as I was mothering so many—and so major shifts were made to make room. Another one was my retirement from police social work, with all of the inherent losses in financial security, identity and belonging. And the final one involved significant changes on a physical level which included surgery, a stringent nutritional plan and a detox supplements program. I really believe that had I not been willing to truly transform and make these life changes, I may not have had my precious daughter. And even if I hadn’t had her, I believe the transformations would have been the purpose of this journey.

[Note: this journey continues on the next page...]

 

 

Ascension Goddess

© 2009 Katherine Skaggs www.soulpaintings.com

encourage sign over Maria's mudroom bench

© 2009 Andre Shivers Photography

Antelope Canyon photo by Bob Epperly, Nature on Film

© Robert Epperly, www.natureonfilm.net

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